Guest post courtesy of Alison Hector.
Here it is:
Dear Mayor Tomlinson,
We hope we find you and not your shelter pets well. We at PETA followed with interest recent news reports regarding the Columbus Animal Shelter and public pressure to lower your euthanasia rates. How dare they! Even though you committed to a Save-A-Pet program you can still do a 180 and kill many more without losing supporters. We are expert at this and will show you how. I (Ingrid) I mean we, are enclosing information we hope will be helpful in killing many more pets.
Please excuse the delay (unfortunately the rescues got more adopted until we could intervene) – I tried numerous times (we make killing more pets a priority!) to send the info via email. I even used our top-secret hotmail account (we are used to being blocked *no worries* since 9/11 and the crackdown on terrorists Even your assistant Lacey couldn’t help – and thankfully your staff’s incompetence will make our mission of death easier. Someone said maybe our emails were returned “undeliverable” because God was telling us something. Ya think? Nah.
Unfortunately on a daily basis we get many reports (we view them as complaints) of shelters trying to lower their “euthanasia” (wink) rates. They are individuals and groups very familiar with the inner (i.e. devious) working of slaughterhouses, (and boy do we know slaughterhouses!) but, they are unfamiliar with the daily challenges (like juggling playing on Facebook while talking on personal calls while pretending to feed or care for animals) and the daily heartbreaks–NO, not of taking the lives of frightened adorable kittens and puppies–but of having those pesky volunteers setting a bad example of actually cleaning cages and socializing the pets so that the paid workers may actually have to do that too if anyone from the “outside” (a.k.a. irresponsible evil public) happens to come by despite your best efforts to keep them out.
We know the “troublesome policies” the volunteers (and rarely shelter workers) try to implement, like providing medical care, bathing the pets, calling and finding rescues, securing foster homes, and finding innovative ways to market your trash pets. Yes, it is less expensive, but we know that the money is better spent buying Fatal-Plus so we can rid the earth of the vermin you all call pets (oops I let the cat out of the bag).
What you really must keep quiet from these nincompoops is how you are so generously donating live cats and dogs to universities and labs. I mean it is fine with us, (just don’t you DARE try it with a chicken or we may bomb you) but we have learned this is the public’s Achilles Heel and have milked it for all it’s worth (which is literally millions in donations to us).
Between you and me, we know that the policies of No Kill EXTREMISTS work and only too well. They however, burden your paid workers with time expenditures that could be better spent on their coffee breaks (while listening to cats stuck dying in walls) or killing more in the quest to rid the earth of vermin cute dogs and cats. So to assist you in covering up the assembly line of death, we have discovered some clever phrases that the moronic public (yeah, we hate people too!) will buy because we twist the facts and make No Kill EXTREMISTS look like the bad guys! It is ingenious!
Just learn and repeat these simple phrases that will mislead the public into helping you kill many more. I know it sounds ludicrous and honestly can’t believe they keep buying it LOL, but we can actually convince them that killing is kindness and death better than life. We have done it many times–don’t worry it works like a charm. These are the magic “bullets” (get it–bullets) that you too can use to trick them with:
“Warehousing” –keeping animals for months (months lol) is inhumane. (Don’t worry, the moronic public just has to hear the word “inhumane” and won’t question your actual practices like killing every pet they can within 5 days or less. We also fight legislation that would make your real actions transparent so they will never know)
“Cramped cages that promote disease”– again don’t worry–the public won’t stop to question why their tax dollars are used on cramped cages and why you aren’t using proper disinfection as you only do it (if at all) when supplies are “donated” lmao. (Brilliant, and yes, we saw your Open Records Request by that pesky lawyer and that is why we are especially interested in intervening.) They won’t question why your vet literally never touches the pets to examine or alleviate pain and the only time she handles them is to kill them (bless her), or that you don’t routinely vaccinate because you are killing them faster than we can don a KKK costume. Or that your facility is actually quite modern and beautiful with lots of large runs that hold at least 132 dogs and many cats. Just remember: you are doing GREAT–you already have a 95% kill rate for cats and kittens!
We acknowledge that other than the psychos that are drawn to the position because they enjoy killing (a.k.a. “euthanasia” LOL) the other workers may not want to do it. Not because they have the pets’ best interests at heart and actually care if they live or find homes–heavens no–simply because it is another chore they are too lazy to do. (Albeit preferable to cleaning and actually taking care of the pets)
Other terms the morons (a.k.a. the public and media) glom onto are:
- “sad reality”
- “downturn in the economy”
- “being kept alive with little or no hope for adoption”
- “getting less adoptable each day”(What does that even mean? Do pets come with an expiration date? LOL–Oh that’s right they do at your shelter ) Don’t worry, they won’t question the fact that we don’t have a crystal ball as to which family is a good fit for a pet and when; and that 28 open admission shelters across the country, many far larger than you in intake, are getting 90% and over adopted every day. Never mind that the majority of pets, especially dogs, are simply lost and you make almost no efforts to reunite them with their families. Congrats on missing those stupid microchips!Also:
- “Hoarders” is a great label to put on every rescue (a.k.a. the people saving and adopting out the pets that you take credit for). Although we know Columbus has had maybe one case in the past five years. (We like to put “rescues” in quotes because it keeps perpetuating the fraud that communities can’t adopt their way out of the contrived “pet overpopulation”. Yes you know that we know that there are 28 open admission shelters that do it every day but shhhh. We need the public to turn against the only hope your shelter animals have.)
- “Animal abusers” is another good one too, since they won’t inquire as to why, if you are investigating cruelty, (other than your own, of course) you never keep the confiscated animals for 30 days as required by law if it were true. We know it is not happening much if at all in Columbus but shhhh your secret is safe with us! (We couldn’t find one case. Darn.))
- Then there is my personal fav, the old tired refrain “there are too many pets and not enough homes”. Never mind that this phrase was coined like 100 years ago and since that time everything has evolved and changed. We have accomplished miracles like flying into outer space and face transplants, yet they never seem to catch on that, despite much evidence to the contrary it is just our excuse to kill as many pets as possible!
We know from experience the general public probably has not read all the research and surveys showing that 97% of the pet owning American public treat their pets like family and even in troubled times spend billions per year on them. They also won’t catch on that there are 17 million people looking for a new pet each year and only 3–4 million are killed showing there is NO pet overpopulation.
Even if they do catch on that everything we do (along with our brethren, HSUS and the ASPCA) is to pull your heart strings to collect $ for us and not to save your disgusting beasts, it still won’t sink in.
A good friend of mine who wrote an article about me “The Extremist” (I suggested the title as we make sure the public applauds us as brave heroes with that label even as we use it against those sissy No Kill advocates.) Michael Specter also nailed why the public will keep turning a blind eye: “Denialism is denial writ large—when an entire segment of society, often struggling with the trauma of change, turns away from reality in favor of a more comfortable lie.
We are enclosing some links to “prove” (with intentionally distorted information), that No Kill is very, very bad, as we really want to make sure no pet is left alive.
So keep up the great work! And, remember just keep uttering the word “inhumane,” it works EVERY time.
If you need anything, we have plenty of money, so don’t hesitate to ask. We are a little low on our Fatal-Plus, however, since we use it on 98% of the pets we “rescue” (yes we are the “rescue” in quotes I referred to above). I could offer to make a grant to pay for spay-neuter or offer real assistance to the shelter …Nah! I want those critters dead, especially the feral cats and pit bulls!
Your new best friend,
Ingrid Jennifer Brown, “Shelter Advisor from the Cruelty Investigations Department”
I know. I know. We can’t stop laughing either.